Country Style Ribs

So I decided to make these country style ribs in a crock pot for dinner tonite. They are the last thing I have that we got from my parents' freezer when my mom decided she wasn't going to cook anymore. As I cut off the fat from them, I started crying and haven't been able to stop yet. How stupid! What a weird thing to get upset over. I guess it's just going to be like that. I just felt like I wanted to call and tease her for buying such fatty meat. I miss her so much.

The last couple of days have really made me feel weird, because the last 5 months were so intensely built around spending time with her. Now I have all this time and it's freaking me out. I have time to make ribs in a crock pot, go to a movie with my friend Cat, take on another client for consultation, go to the gym. I just keep thinking how busy I'm going to be, but it will feel like vast empty space compared to how it was before... It's a ridiculous gaping hole. There was one time when mommy told me she was unhappy that people had to spend all this time and energy caring for her. She spent 60 years caring about everyone but herself and she's complaining about people spending 4 months caring for her! She actually felt guilty for that. It became such a MASSIVE part of how I spent my time that now I feel guilty for doing things that in the past made me happy. Somehow I'm not sure anything else will cut it anymore. But what else can I do? Occasionally, there is a sense of relief at having the time to worry about other things. I know she is happy I feel relief--she couldn't stand the thought of me missing out on anything because of her. But the relief is always accompanied by sadness.

I know one thing--that I have to keep living my life for her. The way she wanted me to. And I have to let myself feel sad sometimes and to let it come out however it needs to.