I find myself torn between the necessity for faith that she will survive and the reality that everyone dies: it's just a matter of when and what your quality of life is like while you're here. I think I'm afraid that if I let myself get too comfortable in optimism that I am jinxing myself and surely The Inevitable will happen. However, if I constantly expect the worst, I will never be disappointed but I'll spend all my time thinking about the worst. I guess I have to find some not-really-happy medium. I'm not religious. I'm not sure what I have faith in. But if ever there was a time to believe, it would be now. What is it exactly that makes people believe. I'm waiting for something--shouldn't this be it? Maybe Survival will make me believe. Faith in doctors? Not so much at this point, but who else is there? I have faith in myself and in Luke and in my dad and an enormous amount of faith in my strong mother. Is that enough? Maybe it has to be.
I've been walking around noticing all the people who could be sick instead of my mother. Someone who's older. Someone who's fatter. Someone who's ugly. Why not them? What are they all worth that's better than my mother? I can't fathom there's a human being less "deserving" of this fate, whatever it is, that brings nothing but suffering to her.
OK so I was just struck by faith. Buddhism and reincarnation. They believe that the more suffering you endure in your life, the better your next life will be. Even if it's just a little bug that gets squashed, he suffered so maybe he'll come back a rat instead. They believe that it is through suffering that you find enlightenment. That is the only way, in fact. For those of us who are not enlightened, this suffering will surely bring some form of illumination...
My mom's not Buddhist, but maybe this is where I can find the faith I need to be there fully for her. I think this was the missing link. Maybe a person really isn't complete without religion. I'm not technically a Buddhist but I can play one.
Official stuff... Last night in the ER, diagnosed with pulmonary embola (multiple blood clots in the lungs). She's on blood thinners. After a week, Buddha-willing, she will start chemo. Kill that crap inside her. So much crap. For now, one day at a time. Love and optimism. And delaying The Inevitable.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Intellect, Philosophy, Love, and Cancer
I've spent the last few weeks thinking about a phrase. I was thinking about it in hopes that I would never have to say it. I think I was trying to convince myself that if I kept thinking it, it wouldn't happen, like the murphy's law that says the more prepared you are for something, the less likely it is to happen. Every time I thought the phrase, I quietly shuddered and appeased myself by thinking something rational like, "We don't know everything yet." Or, "Just take this one step at a time." Or, "Don't assume anything." As if thinking the phrase itself would prevent it from being true.
Well it's true.
My mother has cancer.
(Pause, cry)
It felt better thinking the phrase with the possibility there still that is wasn't true. I haven't said it aloud yet and I don't think I can. I have typed it and texted it but part of me still feels like if i don't say it aloud there is still a possibility that it isn't real.
Well it's real.
(Pause, wipe the tears)
We have been relying on the internet as our source of information on the subject because the scant amount of info actually given by the doctors has been continually dissatisfying. They probably knew this since Friday and I can't think why they waited until today to tell her. I feel like every minute that ticks by gives those sonofabitch cells more time to spread. I feel hatred for the doctors that didn't take her seriously when she went to them months ago with the main symptom of being tired and not eating. She finally ended up getting a blood transfusion when SHE convinced the doctor to give her a blood test. Any lawyers out there know anything about suing for malpractice?
The diagnosis appears to be colon cancer that has metasticised to the liver. Based on the research Luke did on this, this is actually better that thinking she has 2 kinds of cancer. Typically, the liver is the first organ it goes to. So if they surgically remove the mass from her colon, treating the liver should be "easier" than if it was a separate cancer. This is, of course, assumption based on our own research, but Luke's pretty smart and I think I'll believe him until I have a reason not to. We don't know yet about lymph nodes. UGH.
The process we go through when confronted with this type of news (almost worst case--pancreas would have been worse but her pancreas is fine right now) is really interesting. From an intellectual perspective, you try to find a reason. Why would the kindest, most generous human I've ever known get this? Hmmm. I've always had the pholosophy that everything happens the way it's supposed to. I don't believe in a god (maybe after all this I will, or won't even more...) What greater purpose is there for this suffering? And then there's karma. What the hell? I can't think of a person LESS deserving of this than my mother. I think anyone who has ever known her would agree. Th outpouring of support from her colleagues at school has been beautiful and I can only imagine how hard many of them will also take this news... in stride I'm sure, and as an army ready to fight for a good cause...
So back to intellect because I really want to use reason as much as I can. I know my role in this is to continue functioning. I am a primary support person...whatever that means. Maybe this is what grandma's money is for and what all my accrued sick days are for. We have resources to be able to deal with this. I can find optimism in my mother's calm quiet attitute. But unlike the rest of her life, this isn't the time when we should be looking to her for strength. That will be the biggest challenge for all of us. To let her lean on us for once instead of vice versa.
My way of dealing here is to be philisophical. I think about mortality. I think about how our expectations for the way life goes never come true, and if they do you are some kind of freak. I am educated to work in a field where we deal with crisis and change constantly. Philosophically, I am prepared to deal with this and to lead my family through it. To fill my mother's shoes, per se, until she's ready to step back into them (which ultimatley I have confidence she will). Though it isn't clear to us now why this is happening, we can't know until we see what comes. We still can't assume anything about outcomes. We can read statistics and listen to a prognosis, but they don't mean anything because it's MY mother. She isn't a statistic and she isn't like anyone else. She has overcome numerous challenges in her life, and this just happens to be the biggest of all. She will face cancer and challenge it head on.
Love is the hard one. If we let our love for her govern our behavior, we become conflicted. I am now constantly asking myself--
Is it ok to smile?
Should I really be spending my time doing this?
Do I have to think about it all the time now?
Am I doing something wrong if I feel happy about something else?
I am torn between wanting to devote every ounce of my thought and attention and love to her, but at the same time, I have survival instincts too which tell me I need to continue to eat, sleep, exercise, and maybe even laugh once in a while. There has to be a balance and that's what we will need to find. Just because I am doing other things doesn't mean my love is diminished in any way.
(Pause, reflect)
So where do we go from here, cancer? A brawl in an alley somewhere? Behavior modification? Punishment? Repeated beatings with a metal club? What will it take to make you go away?
Next steps.
What are the next steps.
Learn them. Do them.
What's the next step?
Well it's true.
My mother has cancer.
(Pause, cry)
It felt better thinking the phrase with the possibility there still that is wasn't true. I haven't said it aloud yet and I don't think I can. I have typed it and texted it but part of me still feels like if i don't say it aloud there is still a possibility that it isn't real.
Well it's real.
(Pause, wipe the tears)
We have been relying on the internet as our source of information on the subject because the scant amount of info actually given by the doctors has been continually dissatisfying. They probably knew this since Friday and I can't think why they waited until today to tell her. I feel like every minute that ticks by gives those sonofabitch cells more time to spread. I feel hatred for the doctors that didn't take her seriously when she went to them months ago with the main symptom of being tired and not eating. She finally ended up getting a blood transfusion when SHE convinced the doctor to give her a blood test. Any lawyers out there know anything about suing for malpractice?
The diagnosis appears to be colon cancer that has metasticised to the liver. Based on the research Luke did on this, this is actually better that thinking she has 2 kinds of cancer. Typically, the liver is the first organ it goes to. So if they surgically remove the mass from her colon, treating the liver should be "easier" than if it was a separate cancer. This is, of course, assumption based on our own research, but Luke's pretty smart and I think I'll believe him until I have a reason not to. We don't know yet about lymph nodes. UGH.
The process we go through when confronted with this type of news (almost worst case--pancreas would have been worse but her pancreas is fine right now) is really interesting. From an intellectual perspective, you try to find a reason. Why would the kindest, most generous human I've ever known get this? Hmmm. I've always had the pholosophy that everything happens the way it's supposed to. I don't believe in a god (maybe after all this I will, or won't even more...) What greater purpose is there for this suffering? And then there's karma. What the hell? I can't think of a person LESS deserving of this than my mother. I think anyone who has ever known her would agree. Th outpouring of support from her colleagues at school has been beautiful and I can only imagine how hard many of them will also take this news... in stride I'm sure, and as an army ready to fight for a good cause...
So back to intellect because I really want to use reason as much as I can. I know my role in this is to continue functioning. I am a primary support person...whatever that means. Maybe this is what grandma's money is for and what all my accrued sick days are for. We have resources to be able to deal with this. I can find optimism in my mother's calm quiet attitute. But unlike the rest of her life, this isn't the time when we should be looking to her for strength. That will be the biggest challenge for all of us. To let her lean on us for once instead of vice versa.
My way of dealing here is to be philisophical. I think about mortality. I think about how our expectations for the way life goes never come true, and if they do you are some kind of freak. I am educated to work in a field where we deal with crisis and change constantly. Philosophically, I am prepared to deal with this and to lead my family through it. To fill my mother's shoes, per se, until she's ready to step back into them (which ultimatley I have confidence she will). Though it isn't clear to us now why this is happening, we can't know until we see what comes. We still can't assume anything about outcomes. We can read statistics and listen to a prognosis, but they don't mean anything because it's MY mother. She isn't a statistic and she isn't like anyone else. She has overcome numerous challenges in her life, and this just happens to be the biggest of all. She will face cancer and challenge it head on.
Love is the hard one. If we let our love for her govern our behavior, we become conflicted. I am now constantly asking myself--
Is it ok to smile?
Should I really be spending my time doing this?
Do I have to think about it all the time now?
Am I doing something wrong if I feel happy about something else?
I am torn between wanting to devote every ounce of my thought and attention and love to her, but at the same time, I have survival instincts too which tell me I need to continue to eat, sleep, exercise, and maybe even laugh once in a while. There has to be a balance and that's what we will need to find. Just because I am doing other things doesn't mean my love is diminished in any way.
(Pause, reflect)
So where do we go from here, cancer? A brawl in an alley somewhere? Behavior modification? Punishment? Repeated beatings with a metal club? What will it take to make you go away?
Next steps.
What are the next steps.
Learn them. Do them.
What's the next step?
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