Today I aimed for joy

In yoga, you begin every practice by setting an intention. In the past weeks since I have been regularly practicing again, I have chosen things like "patience," "calm," "peace," "strength," etc. So today I chose joy. Because I wondered if I am capable of reaching that. In my previous practices, I have achieved those intentions, but did I achieve joy today? Do I even remember what actual joy feels like?

Since my episode last year with anxiety, I have been so focused on just being "ok" and "just keeping going" and "just getting through it." I think I've achieved and surpassed the ability to just be ok with just being ok. Now I want more. This month of "no grumping" has been so eye-opening. I've mastered the art of keeping the grump at bay, making room for new feelings, beyond just coping and fighting the grump. It's time for joy! I can find joy through gratitude, but it seems different to just think thoughts of joy without actual feeling the difference. Not being grumpy and just being ok is a very stagnant feeling.  I do believe that there must be downs in order to appreciate the ups, but can I just be up now? Or can the downs be things unrelated to stress or grumpiness? I don't know. 

So I think I am a step (or vinyasa) closer to finding actual joy. I'm not there yet. I wonder if Zoloft has something to do with it. I have relied so heavily on it to just stay sane and deal with life, but am I now at the point of compromising other emotions and feelings in favor of maintaining that controlled calm? What is the trade-off? I feel happy. I feel content. I feel satisfied. But is there joy? I don't know. Perhaps joy isn't a feeling that can just be summoned. Perhaps I need to let the feelings of contentedness and gratitude grow into joy. Perhaps the things I have been feeling content and grateful for can become things that make me joyful. 

Maybe my new mantra and intention every day in life is not just to find gratitude. I think joy begins with gratitude. So now I've mastered gratitude. Now I'm aiming for joy. On we go....

A Letter to the Parents Hanging Around at Drop-Off

I don't know you. But I'm not gonna lie--I'm jealous of you. Standing around chatting in your yoga pants after dropping your children off at school while I scurry back to my mom-van to rush, yet again, to my stress-case of a job. After spending every waking moment of my with-children time rushing to and fro and fro and to and back again, all I want is a stretch of time, uninterrupted by necessities, BY MYSELF. Like you. Standing around in my yoga pants, talking to adults about whatever fanciful, meaningless thing might pop into one's head. And even as I sit writing this, when I am supposed to be writing a report for my stress-case job, I feel guilty for daring to take work-day morning time to vent something for my own mental health.

But I implore you, parents hanging around at drop-off, don't look at me with pity, as the line between my eyebrow deepens with intensifying fret. Because my mom-van takes me places where I can change the world. Not just for myself, but for EVERYONE who lives in it. And though I'm not wearing yoga pants, I'm bending over backwards to incite change in this unfair world; to advocate for the under-dog, stand up for those who cannot stand, and to speak words of love and justice on behalf of those who cannot speak. While you stand around chatting about your next girls' spa weekend, I am creating the future for all of our children, including the ones you just dropped off at school.

So I'm ok with that. Jealous and all.

Now back to work.