Renewal (Still in Progress)

September 4, 2013

For the third day in a row, I feel GOOD.  Not just ok.  GOOD.  GREAT even, in moments.  On Sunday after Vanessa and Gretchen left, and Luke was “late” cooking dinner, I had a moment of weakness, then marched back into the kitchen, babe-in-arms, and apologized to Luke.  After that, the lamb he cooked me tasted so GOOD.  I felt like I could breathe again.  The night went well and in the morning I felt GOOD.  Barely a trace of nausea and any small waves of nausea quickly turned into adrenaline and a straightening of the spine, a deeper breath, and a small smile.  My body has decided to cope with this now.  Hopefully my brain will continue to follow suit.

Whether it was the probiotic I started a few days before, the talk therapy, consecutive days with mommy friends and venting, a settling of hormones, or just the passage of time, I went from my worst moment to feeling like a revelation of myself again.  I looked into Joseph’s eyes and felt as though I was seeing him for the first time.  Touched, moved to tears for a very appropriate and loving emotion.  Playing with Addy because I wanted to and because it FELT GOOD not out of a feeling of obligation or responsibility, but because it was making me happy.  And in making me happy, I felt her become happier.  No more Sad Mommy.  And if Sad Mommy comes back, I have to shelve-it or take a moment alone—she doesn’t need to experience that.  It’s not her job to provide comfort to me.  When the tears are gone and the only trace on my face is a smile, then I can reach for her. 

I have a renewed sense of confidence, and though I still get little waves of anxiety, not accompanied by nausea, and no crying for 3 days, I think I’m going to be fine.  No, I KNOW I’m going to be fine.